Okayids have been in tears: guests complain of Santa ‘shambles’ at Hampshire grotto”. So goes one headline this week although, in reality, it may have been written in any December of any yr. For ’tis the season – not, it transpires, to be jolly, however to be dissatisfied by chronically lacklustre Christmas “experiences” up and down the nation.

At this newest iteration of a swiftly thrown-together Santa’s pad, hosted by the Nice Corridor in Winchester, it was the fats man himself who prompted dad and mom’ wrath and kids’s weeping. St Nicholas was accused of not solely having a “blatantly pretend beard” and “low-cost pink swimsuit”, however of even missing the good-time persona that you simply’d assume was a prerequisite for the job. “He wasn’t very talkative in any respect – he didn’t appear very jovial,” complained hacked-off father-of-three Matthew Fernandez. “It ruined the expertise.”

A number of dad and mom described the grotto as a “shambles” and referred to as for it to be closed down; one alleged {that a} monosyllabic Santa supplied “no hohoho, no merry Christmas, nothing”.

The backlash provoked such a furore that the Nice Corridor was pressured to deal with the accusations, refuting recommendations that the occasion had been “mis-sold” however providing a full refund to anybody who was but to go to. “This yr’s Santa expertise is model new and does supply some nice new additions which broaden the supply. At no level have we urged that this yr’s expertise was the identical as that delivered by the earlier operator,” reads a press release.

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Although I  sympathise with the bawling offspring and their beleaguered caregivers pressured to shell out £18.50 per little one for a completely uninspiring day trip, I do need to surprise at Brits’ perennially misplaced optimism. At this stage – after this many identikit tales yr after yr – shouldn’t we simply admit that the UK doesn’t, effectively, excel with regards to Christmas occasions? Can’t we merely settle for that we’re extra probably than not going to really feel let down and pay by means of the nostril for the privilege?

A primary instance of the festive anticlimax comes courtesy of Winter Wonderland, London’s annual hate-inducing venue in Hyde Park. Kicking off in November and operating till early January, it’s turn out to be synonymous with vacationer entice costs, Bavarian-themed tat and vibes greatest characterised as “primary”, plus the sort of ungodly queues normally related to music festivals. Entry prices as much as £7.50 for a peak ticket; as soon as inside, guests can sit up for paying a premium for completely all the things. Assume £22 for a rack of ribs; £11 for churros; £9 for a Bratwurst; £7.75 for a pint. The rides, that are undoubtedly extra funfair than theme park, additionally don’t come low-cost, with the Looping Coaster priced at £11 a pop and the large wheel at £8 per go-around. Blink and, earlier than you already know it, you’ve flushed fifty quid.

Yearly, social media fills up with complaints of “£10 for tacky chips!” from outraged patrons. Yearly, folks hold rocking up and hoping for the most effective.

But it surely’s the occasions particularly geared toward kids that usually set off the best sense of disillusionment. Sadly, dad and mom wanting to offer little ones with a “magical” expertise they’ll always remember are a few of the best marks, keen to plough enormous quantities of money into yuletide memory-making. Wish to clear up with minimal enter or effort? There’s arguably no higher get-rich-quick scheme than scattering some cotton-wool “snow”, bulk shopping for the glitter, throwing on a extremely flammable pink swimsuit and charging a small fortune on the door.

A good friend of mine has been burned greater than as soon as by the will to see her lovable offsprings’ faces gentle up with delight as they meet the “actual” Father Christmas in his workshop. Final yr’s outing noticed the household transported round a buying centre carpark by golf buggy, inexplicably inspired to take images of cardboard cut-out elves. It was, in fact, pouring with rain. It was, in fact, strictly verboten to take their very own photos when the youngsters have been launched to Santa. Dad and mom have been as a substitute pressured to pay an exorbitant quantity for the “official” pictures, taken on what seemed to be a CCTV digital camera.

This yr they opted for driving an hour and a half to have a go on the Polar Specific (TM), a festive franchise loosely based mostly on the Tom Hanks animated movie, the place an immersive journey takes place aboard a prepare. That they had, in equity, gone the week earlier than the attraction’s official opening to expertise the gown rehearsal, swerving the jaw-dropping £200 charge for a household of 4 within the course of. Nonetheless, my good friend was somewhat greatly surprised on the undeniably shonky aesthetic: the northern lights consisted of “4 colored spotlights in a tunnel”; after they reached the “North Pole”, her nine-year-old queried “why all of the buildings had holes in them” and appeared like they’d been repeatedly shot at. “Was it value it? I can actually say it was not!” got here the unforgiving evaluation.

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Then there’s the scourge of “rip-off” Christmas markets that pop up throughout the nation like clockwork every December. Manchester appears to have copped explicit flack this yr, branded “overpriced” by disgruntled customers on Tripadvisor. “Utter garbage, solely stalls promoting meals or drink,” reads one assessment. “Subsequent to nothing in the best way of presents, undoubtedly save your cash and go elsewhere.” One other commented that it was “the right place to go when you’ve not too long ago come into a big inheritance and it’s burning a gap in your pocket” – proving that not less than we haven’t misplaced our sense of humour in all of this.

Christmas apart, the UK’s monitor file with regards to novelty “experiences” normally is objectively crap. Keep in mind the notorious Willy Wonka expertise in Glasgow earlier this yr, so manifestly horrible that it went viral and garnered worldwide consideration? Greater than 800 folks needed to be refunded and the occasion, marketed as “immersive” and “enchanting”, shut down early after households bemoaned the “disorganised mini-maze of randomly positioned outsized props, lacklustre sweet station that dispersed one jelly bean per little one, and a terrifying chrome-masked character that scared many children to tears”.

My level is that this: why will we hold making the identical mistake? Why will we hold anticipating extra when that is evidently an space the place acute disappointment is all however assured? Madness, the favored saying runs, is doing the identical factor time and again and anticipating completely different outcomes. Should you nonetheless decide to attend a hellscape of a festive tour this yr, go in along with your eyes extensive open, decrease these expectations – and, when you’re nonetheless dissatisfied, I remorse to tell you that you simply’ve solely bought your self accountable.