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My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so i said "alright, fatty."
-Jimmy Carr
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My Girlfriend Said She Wanted Me To

Jimmy Carr
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so i said "alright, fatty."
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Funny Girlfriend Humor

More From Jimmy Carr

My girlfriend is named lynn. she spells her name "lynn". my old girlfriend's name is lyn, too, but she spells it "lyn". every now and then i screw up, i call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because i don't say "n" as long.
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She didn’t understand why it was happening,” he said. “i had to tell her she would die. her social worker said i had to tell her. i had to tell her she would die, so i told her she was going to heaven. she asked if i would be there, and i said that i would not, not yet. but eventually, she said, and i promised that yes, of course, very soon. and i told her that in the meantime we had great family up there that would take care of her. and she asked me when i would be there, and i told her soon. twenty-two years ago.
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He’d spent his life being a perfect gentleman. he’d never been a flirt. he’d never been a rogue. he hated being the center of attention, but by god, he wanted to be the center of her attention. he wanted to do the wrong thing, the bad thing. he wanted to pull her into his arms and carry her to her bed. he wanted to peel every last inch of her clothing from her body, and then he wanted to worship her. he wanted to show her all the things he wasn’t sure he knew how to say.
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Eventually she came. she appeared suddenly, exactly like she'd done that day- she stepped into the sunshine, she jumped, she laughed and threw her head back, so her long ponytail nearly grazed the waistband of her jeans. after that, i couldn't think about anything else. the mole on the inside of her right elbow, like a dark blot of ink. the way she ripped her nails to shreds when she was nervous. her eyes, deep as a promise. her stomach, pale and soft and gorgeous, and the tiny dark cavity of her belly button. i nearly went crazy.
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Hillary clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an olympic athlete. but she was not athletic enough. she said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. she said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. should she be telling people this story? i mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.
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And she loved a man who was made out of nothing. a few hours without him and right away she’d be missing him with her whole body, sitting in her office surrounded by polyethylene and concrete and thinking of him. and every time she’d boil water for coffee in her ground-floor office, she’d let the steam cover her face, imagining it was him stroking her cheeks, her eyelids and she’d wait for the day to be over, so she could go to her apartment building, climb the flight of stairs, turn the key in the door, and find him waiting for her, naked and still between the sheets of her empty bed.
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