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When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. except for me, because i was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
-Mitch Hedberg
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When You Go To A Bar That

Mitch Hedberg
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. except for me, because i was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
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More From Mitch Hedberg

I've got to think that that was unethical," joshua said. "josh, faking demonic possession is like a mustard seed." "how is it like a mustard seed?" "you don't know, do you? doesn't seem at all like a mustard seed, does it? now you see how we all feel when you liken things unto a mustard seed? huh?
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Cool is spent. cool is empty. cool is ex post facto. when advertisers and pundits hoard a word, you know it's time to retire from it. to move on. i want to suggest, therefore, that we begin to avoid cool now. cool is a trick to get you to buy garments made by sweatshop laborers in third world countries. cool is the triumph of the will. cool enables you to step over bodies. cool enables you to look the other way. cool makes you functional, eager for routine distraction, passive, doped, stupid.
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That's why there's lots and lots of kinds of hot sauces, and not so many kinds of mustard. not because it's hard to make interesting mustard - you could make interesting mustard - but people don't, because no one's obsessed with it, and thus no one tells their friends.
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White people scare the crap out of me. i have never been attacked by a black person, never been evicted by a black person, never had my security deposit ripped off by a black landlord, never had a black landlord, never been pulled over by a black cop, never been sold a lemon by a black car salesman, never seen a black car salesman, never had a black person deny me a bank loan, never had a black person bury my movie, and i've never heard a black person say, 'we're going to eliminate ten thousand jobs here - have a nice day!'
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Greek architecture taught me that the column is where the light is not, and the space between is where the light is. it is a matter of no-light, light, no-light, light. a column and a column brings light between them. to make a column which grows out of the wall and which makes its own rhythm of no-light, light, no-light, light: that is the marvel of the artist.
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I love everything black, because black is cool. when something crosses over, people are like, "oh, this is a crossover." first of all, there is no urban anymore. pop culture is black. white kids are dressing like black kids. it's all crossed the lines now. the way i understand it is, everything black is cool. when it crosses over to white, that means it's going from cool to uncool. that's what crossover is.
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