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[when told that her grandchild had her nose:] i didn't get this nose until i was thirty-four.
-Joan Rivers
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[when Told That Her Grandchild Had Her

Joan Rivers
[when told that her grandchild had her nose:] i didn't get this nose until i was thirty-four.
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Grandchildren Noses Four

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She didn’t understand why it was happening,” he said. “i had to tell her she would die. her social worker said i had to tell her. i had to tell her she would die, so i told her she was going to heaven. she asked if i would be there, and i said that i would not, not yet. but eventually, she said, and i promised that yes, of course, very soon. and i told her that in the meantime we had great family up there that would take care of her. and she asked me when i would be there, and i told her soon. twenty-two years ago.
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Four. that's what i want you to remember. if you don't get your idea across in the first four minutes, you won't do it. four sentences to a paragraph. four letters to a word. the most important words in the english language all have four letters. home. love. food. land. peace. . .i know peace has five letters, but any damn fool knows it should have four.
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Now, everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. you got one, two, three, four, five, six, and seven. ... ok, now most guys will hit one, two, three and then go to seven and set up camp. ... you want to hit 'em all and you wanna mix 'em up. you gotta keep 'em on their toes. ... you could start out with a little one. a two. a one, two, three. a three. a five. a four. a three, two. two. a two, four, six. two, four, six. four. two. two. four, seven! five, seven! six, seven! seven! seven! seven! seven! seven! seven! seven! seven! seven! [holds up seven fingers]
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There are those of us who are always about to live. we are waiting until things change, until there is more time, until we are less tired, until we get a promotion, until we settle down / until, until, until. it always seems as if there is some major event that must occur in our lives before we begin living.
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Oh god, are there so many of them in our land! students who can’t be happy until they’ve graduated, servicemen who can’t be happy until they are discharged, single folks who can’t be happy until they’ve found a mate, workers who can’t be happy until they’ve retired, adolescents who aren’t happy until they’re grown, ill people who aren’t happy until they’re well, failures who aren’t happy until they succeed, restless who can’t wait until they get out of town, and in most cases, vice versa, people waiting, waiting for the world to begin.
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She asked me what was wrong, and i told her i had to end it. she was surprised, and asked my why i thought so. i told her it wasn't a thought, more a feeling, like i couldn't breathe and knew i had to get some air. it was a survival instinct, i told her. she said it was time for dinner. then she sat me down and told me not to worry. she said moments like this were like waking up in the middle of the night: you're scared, your'e disoriented, and you're completely convinced you're right. but then you stay awake a little longer and you realize things aren't as fearful as they seem.
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