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We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the cd. you know what sweeten means, right? sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".
-Mitch Hedberg
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We're Gonna Have To Sweeten Some Of

Mitch Hedberg
We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the cd. you know what sweeten means, right? sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".
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Funny Mean Humor

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I feel like, when we're kids, you're sold into this fairy tale of what love is. that prince charming's gonna come along and save you and you're gonna live happily ever after. they're gonna rescue me from the bronx, and we're gonna go off and live in a castle somewhere and it's gonna be awesome. he's gonna love me forever, and i'm gonna love him forever, and it's gonna be real easy. and it's so different than that.
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It doesn't matter who the candidates are. it doesn't matter the campaign. you know that's gonna happen. the washington post is gonna do it, the new york times is gonna do it, the three networks gonna do it, cnn's gonna do it, msnbc gonna do it, all the newspapers are gonna do it. for the vast majority of them. there are some exceptions. that sameness ends up being its own authority. if everywhere you look in the media tells you the same thing, you don't have to research.
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The left are gonna calling you names. you're gonna be racist, gonna be a pig, gonna be sexist, you're gonna hate women, you're gonna hate blacks, you're gonna be anti-transgender, whatever. they'll come at you in all directions to force you into acquiescence.
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I think obama did have a pitch, and it was he was gonna take care of you, and he was gonna fix everything that was wrong. and he personally was gonna guarantee you that things are gonna be okay. and he personally was gonna guarantee that the country be loved again. and he personally was gonna do all these wonderful things.
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I learned all those jokes in second grade. second grade is really where they tell you those horrific jokes, racist jokes and misogynistic jokes that you have no idea what they mean, and you just memorize them because they have a very strong effect, they make people laugh in this kind of nervous, horrible way, and it's only later that you realize that you've got a head full of crap.
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"let's say we discover the gene that says the kid's gonna be gay. how many parents, if they knew before the kid was gonna be born, [that he] was gonna be gay, they would take the pregnancy to term? well, you don't know but let's say half of them said, "oh, no, i don't wanna do that to a kid." [then the] gay community finds out about this. the gay community would do the fastest 180 and become pro-life faster than anybody you've ever seen. ... they'd be so against abortion if it was discovered that you could abort what you knew were gonna be gay babies."
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But in a way you can say that after leaving the sea, after all those millions of years of living inside of the sea, we took the ocean with us. when a woman makes a baby, she gives it water, inside her body, to grow in. that water inside her body is almost exactly the same as the water of the sea. it is salty, by just the same amount. she makes a little ocean, in her body. and not only this. our blood and our sweating, they are both salty, almost exactly like the water from the sea is salty. we carry oceans inside of us, in our blood and our sweat. and we are crying the oceans, in our tears.
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