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The bottomless bitter misery of childhood: how little even now it is understood. probably no adult misery can be compared with a child's despair.
-Iris Murdoch
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The Bottomless Bitter Misery Of Childhood: How

Iris Murdoch
The bottomless bitter misery of childhood: how little even now it is understood. probably no adult misery can be compared with a child's despair.
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Children Childhood Despair

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Compared with the person who is conscious of his despair, the despairing individual who is ignorant of his despair is simply a negativity further away from the truth and deliverance. . . . yet ignorance is so far from breaking the despair or changing despair to nondespairing that it can in fact be the most dangerous form of despair. . . . an individual is furthest from being conscious of himself as spirit when he is ignorant of being in despair. but precisely this-not to be conscious of oneself as spirit-is despair, which is spiritlessness. . . .
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An individual in despair despairs over something. . . . in despairing over something, he really despair[s] over himself, and now he wants to get rid of himself. consequently, to despair over something is still not despair proper. . . . to despair over oneself, in despair to will to be rid of oneself-this is the formula for all despair.
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When a child hits a child, we call it aggression. when a child hits an adult, we call it hostility. when an adult hits an adult, we call it assault. when an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.
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The ever increasing intensity of despair depends upon the degree of consciousness or is proportionate to this increase: the greater the degree of consciousness, the more intensive the despair. this is everywhere apparent, most clearly in despair at its maximum and minimum. the devil's despair is the most intensive despair, for the devil is sheer spirit and hence unqualified consciousness and transparency; there is no obscurity in the devil that could serve as a mitigating excuse. therefore, his despair is the most absolute defiance. . . .
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When i look back on my childhood i wonder how i survived at all. it was, of course, a miserable childhood: the happy childhood is hardly worth your while. worse than the ordinary miserable childhood is the miserable irish childhood, and worse yet is the miserable irish catholic childhood.
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It's despair at the lack of feeling, of love, of reason in the world. it's despair that anyone can even contemplate the idea of dropping a bomb or ordering that it should be dropped. it's despair that so few of us care. it's despair that there's so much brutality and callousness in the world. it's despair that perfectly normal young men can be made vicious and evil because they've won a lot of money. and then do what you've done to me.
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