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Nothing prepared me for the loss of my mother. even knowing that she would die did not prepare me.
-Meghan O'Rourke
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Nothing Prepared Me For The Loss Of

Meghan O'Rourke
Nothing prepared me for the loss of my mother. even knowing that she would die did not prepare me.
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Mother Loss Knowing

More From Meghan O'Rourke

...fact was she knew more about them than she knew about herself, having never had the map to discover what she was like. could she sing? (was it nice to hear when she did?) was she pretty? was she a good friend? could she have been a loving mother? a faithful wife? have i got a sister and does she favor me? if my mother knew me would she like me? (140)
Mother Nice Good Friend
She didn’t understand why it was happening,” he said. “i had to tell her she would die. her social worker said i had to tell her. i had to tell her she would die, so i told her she was going to heaven. she asked if i would be there, and i said that i would not, not yet. but eventually, she said, and i promised that yes, of course, very soon. and i told her that in the meantime we had great family up there that would take care of her. and she asked me when i would be there, and i told her soon. twenty-two years ago.
Years Two Heaven
One thing i did have under my belt was, my mother lost her mother when she was 11. she mourned her mother her whole life and made my grandmother seem present even though i never met her. i couldn't imagine how my mom could go on but she did, she took care of us, she worked two jobs and had four children. she was such a good example of how to conduct oneself in a time of grief. when i lost my husband, i tried to model myself as much as i could on her.
Mom Mother Jobs
She smiled. she knew she was dying. but it did not matter any longer. she had known something which no human words could ever tell and she knew it now. she had been awaiting it and she felt it, as if it had been, as if she had lived it. life had been, if only because she had known it could be, and she felt it now as a hymn without sound, deep under the little whole that dripped red drops into the snow, deeper than that from which the red drops came. a moment or an eternity- did it matter? life, undefeated, existed and could exist. she smiled, her last smile, to so much that had been possible.
Life Hymns Snow
There are many kinds of loss embedded in a loss - the loss of the person, and the loss of the self you got to be with that person. and the seeming loss of the past, which now feels forever out of reach.
Loss Past Self
She comes to me when she wants to be fed. and after i feed her -- guess what -- she's off to wherever she wants to be in the house, until the next time she gets hungry. she's smart enough to know she can't feed herself. she's actually a very smart cat. she gets loved. she gets adoration. she gets petted. she gets fed. and she doesn't have to do anything for it, which is why i say this cat's taught me more about women, than anything my whole life.
Smart Stupid Cat
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