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Not knowing how he lost himself, or how he recovered himself, he may never feel certain of not losing himself again.
-Charles Dickens
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Not Knowing How He Lost Himself, Or

Charles Dickens
Not knowing how he lost himself, or how he recovered himself, he may never feel certain of not losing himself again.
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Knowing Psychology May

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There comes that phase in life when, tired of losing, you decide to stop losing, then continue losing. then you decide to really stop losing, and continue losing. the losing goes on and on so long you begin to watch with curiosity, wondering how low you can go.
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The pain comes from knowing that we have never been safe, and therefore will never be safe again. it comes from knowing we can never be so ignorant again. it comes from knowing we can never be children again. losing innocence. remembering heaven. that was the essence of hell.
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The pain comes from more than the facts of circumstance, or the deeds of others. it comes from within. from understanding what we lost. it comes from knowing how foolish we were - vain, arrogant children - when we thought ourselves happy. it comes from knowing how fragile and doomed the old ways were, just when we thought them and ourselves, secure!. the pain comes from knowing we have never been safe, and therefore will never be safe again. it comes from knowing we can never be children again.
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Strip back the beliefs pasted on by governesses, schools, and states, you find indelible truths at one's core. rome'll decline and fall again, cortés'll lay tenochtitlán to waste again, and later, ewing will sail again, adrian'll be blown to pieces again, you and i'll sleep under the corsican stars again, i'll come to bruges again, fall in and out of love with eva again, you'll read this letter again, the sun'll grow cold again. nietzsche's gramophone record. when it ends, the old one plays it again, for an eternity of eternities.
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The world is full of people who have lost faith: politicians who have lost faith in politics, social workers who have lost faith in social work, schoolteachers who have lost faith in teaching and, for all i know, policemen who have lost faith in policing and poets who have lost faith in poetry. it's a condition of faith that it gets lost from time to time, or at least mislaid.
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You get thrown off balance out there. and i never recovered. well, i haven't recovered yet.
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