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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
-Demetri Martin
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It Is A Little Ironic That One

Demetri Martin
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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Baby Ironic Littles

More From Demetri Martin

Irony is the disparity between what you expect will happen, and what does happen. so raining on your wedding day isn't ironic, it's just crappy. it would have been ironic if she had lived in a place like seattle, and traveled to the desert of mexico for a wedding and it ended up raining there, but not in seattle. alanis always gets the last laugh though. we all sit here, saying her song isn't ironic, but in fact, that's pretty ironic that she wrote a song called ironic that wasn't really ironic. those canadians are pretty crafty.
Song Rain Laughing
My life is routine. i wake up early in the morning. i brush my teeth. i sit on the floor of the cell i do not go to breakfast. i stare at a gray cement wall. i keep my legs crossed my back straight my eyes forward. i take deep breaths in and out, in and out, and i try not to move. i sit for as long as i can i sit until everything hurts i sit until everything stops hurting i sit until i lose myself in the gray wall i sit until my mind becomes as blank as the gray wall. i sit and i stare and i breathe. i sit and i stare. i breathe.
Hurt Morning Wall
I think of the chimp, the one with the talking hands. in the course of the experiment, that chimp had a baby. imagine how her trainers must have thrilled when the mother, without prompting, began to sign her newborn. baby, drink milk. baby, play ball. and when the baby died, the mother stood over the body, her wrinkled hands moving with animal grace, forming again and again the words: baby, come hug, baby come hug, fluent now in the language of grief.
Mother Baby Grief
One baby is a patient baby, and waits indefinitely until its mother is ready to feed it. the other baby is an impatient baby and cries lustily, screams and kicks and makes everybody unpleasant until it is fed. well, we know perfectly well which baby is attended to first. that is the whole history of politics.
Mother Baby Waiting
A baby, a real live baby was the craziest thing a fan has sent. someone left a baby on our front doorstep with a note that they wanted us to raise it. of course, we contacted the authorities and they took care of the baby.
Baby Real Care
Please don't wait until the doctors tell you that you are going to have a baby to begin to take care of it. it is already there. whatever you are, whatever you do, your baby will get it. anything you eat, any worries that are on your mind will be for him or her. can you tell me that you cannot smile? think of the baby, and smile for him, for her, for the future generations. please don't tell me that a smile and your sorrow just don't go together. it's your sorrow, but what about your baby? it's not his sorrow, its not her sorrow.
Baby Thinking Doctors
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The kind of man who thinks that helping with the dishes is beneath him will also think that helping with the baby is beneath him, and then he certainly is not going to be a very successful father.
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