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The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. it is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. this will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.
One of the difficulties with grief research is that it risks making certain kinds of grief seem normal and others abnormal - and of course having a sense of the contours of grief is, i think, truly useful, one has to remember it's not a science, it's an individual reckoning, which science is just trying to help us describe.
While i did a lot of research, i ended up feeling that the best way to write about grief was to describe it from the inside out - the show the strange intensities that come along with it, the peculiar thoughts, the longing for that past - all the strange moments of thinking you glimpse the dead person on the street, or in your dreams.
I have seen that grief can be very different for different people. while the range of emotions experienced is similar, the way we deal with those emotions isn't, necessarily.
This is part of the complexity of grief: a piece of you recognizes it is an extreme state, an altered state, yet a large part of you is entirely subject to its demands.
'hamlet' is the best description of grief i've read because it dramatizes grief rather than merely describing it.
Much of hamlet is about the precise kind of slippage the mourner experiences: the difference between being and seeming, the uncertainty about how the inner translates into the outer, the sense that one is expected to perform grief palatably. (if you don’t seem sad, people worry; but if you are grief-stricken, people flinch away from your pain.)
To mourn is to wonder at the strangeness that grief is not written all over your face in bruised hieroglyphics. and it's also to feel, quite powerfully, that you're not allowed to descend into the deepest fathom of your grief - that to do so would be taboo somehow.
'hamlet' is a play about a man whose grief is deemed unseemly.
Television has never known what to do with grief, which resists narrative: the dramas of grief are largely internal - for the bereaved, it is a chaotic, intense, episodic period, but the chaos is by and large subterranean, and easily appears static to the friendly onlooker who has absorbed the fact of loss and moved on.
I believe in the importance of individuality, but in the midst of grief i also find myself wanting connection - wanting to be reminded that the sadness i feel is not just mine but ours.
Grief is at once a public and a private experience. one's inner, inexpressible disruption cannot be fully realized in one's public persona.
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