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I'm not an alcoholic, i only drink two times a year. when it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.
-Bill Murray
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I'm Not An Alcoholic, I Only Drink

Bill Murray
I'm not an alcoholic, i only drink two times a year. when it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.
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Years Two My Birthday

More From Bill Murray

Nobody understands that by the time the addiction has set in the alcoholic is mandated to drink ... he cannot not drink! nobody wakes up in the morning and says, 'jiminy cricket, i feel sensational! my life is really in great shape! i think i'll become an alcoholic!' i firmly believe that when a shaking-to-pieces alcoholic says he needs a drink or he will die, he means it.
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If you decide on having an alcoholic at your party, make sure it's a large gathering. this way, until the alcoholic begins removing their clothes or dangling the cat out the window, they can sort of blend in. an alcoholic at a small gathering is called an intervention.
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We americans commercialize everything. look at what we did to christmas. christmas is jesus' birthday. now, i don't know jesus, but from what i read he was the least materialistic person who ever walked the earth. no bling on jesus. he kept a low profile and we turned his birthday into the most commercial day of the year. in fact we have a whole jesus birthday season. and then at the end of it, we have the nerve to have an economist come on tv and say what a horrible jesus birthday season we had.
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This is a devastating problem, is, the longer our children are in school, the worse they do. year after year after year, our children in america are falling further behind. our 3- and 4-year-olds enter kindergarten ok, and they fall further and further behind. each year, children in other countries are learning more than children in this country. and so the gap between american student performance in singapore and finland and south korea and canada and these other countries, the gap widens year after year after year.
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I was carrying a beautiful alcoholic conflagration around with me. the thing fed on its own heat and flamed the fiercer. there was no time, in all my waking time, that i didn't want a drink. i began to anticipate the completion of my daily thousand words by taking a drink when only five hundred words were written. it was not long until i prefaced the beginning of the thousand words with a drink.
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The first thing i did when i was forty years old, i put handcuffs on and i jumped off alcatraz prison and swam to san francisco handcuffed. that made national publicity. then, there were three or four years where i would do more difficult feats. another birthday i towed a thousand pound boat across the golden gate. on my 65th birthday i towed 65 boats a mile and a half in tokyo. on my 70th birthday i towed 70 boats with 70 people in it with my feet and hands tied a mile and a half in long beach.... my next birthday i will be 93. i'm gonna tow my wife across the bathtub.
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Sundown. the distressed sloop, its mainmast shattered by lightning, its sails ripped by the winds of the open sea, drifted into the small, quiet beach of a private island in the lesser antilles
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I can't believe you jokers fixed it." hi was picking his way down to the beach. "believe it, clown. too much brain power here to fail." still pumped, shelton threw another palm ben's way. "oh, i'm sure." hi streched, yawned. "it was something highly technical, i suppose? something requiring mechanical ability? nothing as simple as tightening a wire or flippin a switch, right?" ben reddened. shelton developed an intrest in his sneakers. score one for hi.
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I'm really normal. i play football, go to the beach, drive. we have dogs. i can imagine people calling me a character, but i'm joe straight.
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There is life in a stone. any stone that sits in a field or lies on a beach takes on the memory of that place. you can feel that stones have witnessed so many things.
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