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I denounce because though implicated and partially responsible, i have been hurt to the point of abysmal pain, hurt to the point of invisibility. and i defend because in spite of it all, i find that i love.
-Ralph Ellison
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I Denounce Because Though Implicated And Partially

Ralph Ellison
I denounce because though implicated and partially responsible, i have been hurt to the point of abysmal pain, hurt to the point of invisibility. and i defend because in spite of it all, i find that i love.
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Hurt Pain Invisibility

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We need to practice acting in spite of fear, in spite of doubt, in spite of worry, in spite of uncertainty, in spite of inconvenience, in spite of discomfort, and even to practice acting when we're not in the mood to act.
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I'm sitting her thinking, -god, i swear i will take a vow of silence and move to a monastery and worship you for all my days if you just this once provide me with an invisibility cloak, come on, come on, please please invisibility cloak now now now-. it's very possible that jane is thinking the same thing, i have no idea, because she's not talking either, and i can't look at her on account of how i'm blinded by embarrassment.
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The only way to be a champion is by going through these forced reps and the torture and pain. that's way i call it the torture routine. because it's like forced torture. torturing my body. what helps me is to think of this pain as pleasure. pain makes me grow. growing is what i want. therefore, for me pain is pleasure. and so when i am experiencing pain i'm in heaven. it's great. people suggest this is masochistic. but they're wrong. i like pain for a particular reason. i don't like needle's stuck in my arm. but i do like the pain that is necessary to be a champion.
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There comes a point when you just love someone. not because they're good, or bad, or anything really. you just love them. it doesn't mean you'll be together forever. it doesn't mean you won't hurt each other. it just mean you love them. sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. and you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it.
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Facing the darkness, admitting the pain, allowing the pain to be pain, is never easy. this is why courage - big-heartedness - is the most essential virtue on the spiritual journey. but if we fail to let pain be pain - and our entire patriarchal culture refuses to let this happen - then pain will haunt us in nightmarish ways. we will become pain's victims instead of the healers we might become.
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