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Various parts of my body told me that in the future they would appreciate it if i slept lying down on a bed instead of sitting at the counter of black cat coffee. i quietly reassured them that this was an unusual situation, and had the machinery make me some bread as a breakfast.

-Daniel Handler

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Various Parts Of My Body Told Me

Daniel Handler

Various parts of my body told me that in the future they would appreciate it if i slept lying down on a bed instead of sitting at the counter of black cat coffee. i quietly reassured them that this was an unusual situation, and had the machinery make me some bread as a breakfast.

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    <p style="font-size: 1.2rem; font-style: italic; margin-bottom: 10px;">"various parts of my body told me that in the future they would appreciate it if i slept lying down on a bed instead of sitting at the counter of black cat coffee. i quietly reassured them that this was an unusual situation, and had the machinery make me some bread as a breakfast."</p>
    <footer style="font-size: 1rem; font-weight: bold;">— Daniel Handler</footer>
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Lying Coffee Cat

More From Daniel Handler

Oh cat, i'd say, or pray: be-ootiful cat! delicious cat! exquisite cat! satiny cat! cat like a soft owl, cat with paws like moths, jewelled cat, miraculous cat! cat, cat, cat, cat.

You have no control over your cat! you can't say to your cat, "cat, heel! stay! wait! lie down! roll over!" 'cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "interesting words ... have you finished?" while you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going ... [mimes obeying all commands] "what the hell are you doing? i'm talking to the cat!" "oh, i'm sorry!"

White people scare the crap out of me. i have never been attacked by a black person, never been evicted by a black person, never had my security deposit ripped off by a black landlord, never had a black landlord, never been pulled over by a black cop, never been sold a lemon by a black car salesman, never seen a black car salesman, never had a black person deny me a bank loan, never had a black person bury my movie, and i've never heard a black person say, 'we're going to eliminate ten thousand jobs here - have a nice day!'

Is it possible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee anymore in this country? what happened with coffee? did i miss a meeting? they have every other flavor but coffee-flavored coffee. they have mochaccino, frappaccino, cappuccino, al pacino...coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup.

"why are breakfast food breakfast foods?" i asked them. "like, why don't we have curry for breakfast?" "hazel, eat." "but why?" i asked. "i mean seriously: how did scrambled eggs get stuck with breakfast exclusivity? you can put bacon on a sandwich without anyone freaking out. but the moment your sandwich has an egg, boom, it's a breakfast sandwich."

I used to think of that line in allen ginsberg's 'howl', about the 'sad cup of coffee'.. ..i have had cold coffee and hot coffee and lousy coffee, but i've never had a sad cup of coffee.

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I realized, "gee, you're making the same film over and over here." i just kept making them for my own amusement, but also with this thought in my head that i could collect enough songs to make an album out of it. i am attracted to non-dramatic moments in life. the idea of a coffee break is not something you'd think of as being an important part of your day, so these shorts were like little free zones in which we could just play around.

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