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I've come to a much more controlled idea about death and loss, but i don't think it's possible to come to that much more controlled idea until you've gone through the crazy part . . . i don't mean that i'm controlled. i mean that i gave up the idea that i had control. that's the new control.

-Joan Didion

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I've Come To A Much More Controlled

Joan Didion

I've come to a much more controlled idea about death and loss, but i don't think it's possible to come to that much more controlled idea until you've gone through the crazy part . . . i don't mean that i'm controlled. i mean that i gave up the idea that i had control. that's the new control.

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    <p style="font-size: 1.2rem; font-style: italic; margin-bottom: 10px;">"i&#039;ve come to a much more controlled idea about death and loss, but i don&#039;t think it&#039;s possible to come to that much more controlled idea until you&#039;ve gone through the crazy part . . . i don&#039;t mean that i&#039;m controlled. i mean that i gave up the idea that i had control. that&#039;s the new control."</p>
    <footer style="font-size: 1rem; font-weight: bold;">— Joan Didion</footer>
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Topic

Crazy Mean Loss

More From Joan Didion

Someone's killed 100,000 people. we're almost going, "well done! you killed 100,000 people? you must get up very early in the morning! i can't even get down the gym. your diary must look odd: 'get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ...' "

There are many kinds of loss embedded in a loss - the loss of the person, and the loss of the self you got to be with that person. and the seeming loss of the past, which now feels forever out of reach.

I asked for strength, and god gave me difficulties to make me strong. i asked for wisdom, and god gave me problems to learn to solve. i asked for prosperity, and god gave me a brain and brawn to work. i asked for courage, and god gave me dangers to overcome. i asked for love, and god gave me people to help. i asked for favors, and god gave me opportunities. i received nothing i wanted. i received everything i needed.

There was only one catch and that was catch22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. orr was crazy and could be grounded. all he had to do was ask, and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. if he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to.

There are those of us who are always about to live. we are waiting until things change, until there is more time, until we are less tired, until we get a promotion, until we settle down / until, until, until. it always seems as if there is some major event that must occur in our lives before we begin living.

By 'coming to terms with life' i mean: the reality of death has become a definite part of my life; my life has, so to speak, been extended by death, by my looking death in the eye and accepting it, by accepting destruction as part of life and no longer wasting my energies on fear of death or the refusal to acknowledge its inevitability. it sounds paradoxical: by excluding death from our life we cannot live a full life, and by admitting death into our life we enlarge and enrich it.

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