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I wish i could explain it so someone could understand it. i'm afraid it's something i can't put into words. there's just this heavy, overwhelming despair - dreading everything. dreading life. empty inside, to the point of numbness. it's like there's something already dead inside. my whole being has been pulling back into that void for months. (81)
-Kay Redfield Jamison
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I Wish I Could Explain It So

Kay Redfield Jamison
I wish i could explain it so someone could understand it. i'm afraid it's something i can't put into words. there's just this heavy, overwhelming despair - dreading everything. dreading life. empty inside, to the point of numbness. it's like there's something already dead inside. my whole being has been pulling back into that void for months. (81)
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Numbness Wish Despair

More From Kay Redfield Jamison

The void is not being, but not being cannot be, ergo the void cannot be. the reasoning was sound, because it denied the void while granting that it could be conceived. in fact, we can quite easily conceive things that do not exist. can a chimera, buzzing in the void, devour second intentions? no, because chimeras do not exist, in the void no buzzing can be heard, and intentions are mental things - an intended pear does not nourish us. and yet i can think of a chimera even if it is chimerical, namely, if it is not. and the same with the void.
Thinking Sound Doe
Compared with the person who is conscious of his despair, the despairing individual who is ignorant of his despair is simply a negativity further away from the truth and deliverance. . . . yet ignorance is so far from breaking the despair or changing despair to nondespairing that it can in fact be the most dangerous form of despair. . . . an individual is furthest from being conscious of himself as spirit when he is ignorant of being in despair. but precisely this-not to be conscious of oneself as spirit-is despair, which is spiritlessness. . . .
Ignorance Negativity Individuality
An individual in despair despairs over something. . . . in despairing over something, he really despair[s] over himself, and now he wants to get rid of himself. consequently, to despair over something is still not despair proper. . . . to despair over oneself, in despair to will to be rid of oneself-this is the formula for all despair.
Individuality Despair Want
And when the sun rises we are afraid it might not remain when the sun sets we are afraid it might not rise in the morning when our stomachs are full we are afraid of indigestion when our stomachs are empty we are afraid we may never eat again when we are loved we are afraid love will vanish when we are alone we are afraid love will never return and when we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard nor welcomed but when we are silent we are still afraid so it is better to speak remembering we were never meant to survive
Hope Morning Fear
The ever increasing intensity of despair depends upon the degree of consciousness or is proportionate to this increase: the greater the degree of consciousness, the more intensive the despair. this is everywhere apparent, most clearly in despair at its maximum and minimum. the devil's despair is the most intensive despair, for the devil is sheer spirit and hence unqualified consciousness and transparency; there is no obscurity in the devil that could serve as a mitigating excuse. therefore, his despair is the most absolute defiance. . . .
Despair Devil Degrees
I need not to be afraid of the void. the void is part of my person. i need to enter consciously into it. to try to escape from it is to try to live a lie. it is also to cease to be. my acceptance of despair and emptiness constitutes my being; to have the courage to accept despair is to be.
Lying Acceptance Despair
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