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I just wanted to act. i didn't want to do anything else.

-Nicholas Lea

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I Just Wanted To Act. I Didn't

Nicholas Lea

I just wanted to act. i didn't want to do anything else.

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More From Nicholas Lea

Longing surged up within me. i wanted it. oh god, i wanted it. i didn't want to hear jerome chastise me for my "all lowlifes, all the time" seduction policy. i wanted to come home and tell someone about my day. i wanted to go out dancing on the weekends. i wanted to take vacations together. i wanted someone to hold me when i was upset, when the ups and downs of the world pushed me too far. i wanted someone to love.

The conviction: i will not tolerate this age. the freedom: the freedom to act on my conviction. and i will act. no one else has both the conviction and the freedom. many agree with me, have the conviction, but will not act. some act, assassinate, bomb, burn, etc., but they are the crazies. crazy acts by crazy people. but what if one, sober, reasonable, and honorable man should act, and act with perfect sobriety, reason, and honor? then you have the beginning of a new age. we shall start a new order of things.

I definitely wanted to be an actor. i didn't want to be on tv, i didn't want to be famous, i didn't want to be anyone in particular; i just wanted to do it. i see young people now who look at magazines, or american idol and their goal is to have that lifestyle - to have good handbags, or go out with cute guys from shows, or whatever. but i definitely wanted to be an actor.

All teenagers knew this was true. the process of growing up was nothing more than figuring out what doors hadn't yet been slammed in your face. for years, parents tell you that you can be anything, have anything, do anything. that was why she'd been so eager to grow up-until she got to adolescence and hit a big fat wall ofreality. as it turned out, she couldn't have anything she wanted. you didn't get to be pretty or smart or popular just because you wanted it. you didn't control your own destiny, you were too busy trying to fit in.

I didn't want to be driving to work everyday and sending out my starbucks order. i didn't want to be in new york or l.a. i wanted to have space and i wanted to be in a remote place where all of us could just be ourselves and not worry about anyone trying to listen in or get in on that. i wanted to just be comfortable. i feel like being in a big city - as much as i find new york, in particular, very inspiring in a lot of ways - can also be claustrophobic.

I saw you, and i wanted to be close to you. i wanted you to let me in. i wanted to know you in a way no one else did. i wanted you, all of you. that wanting nearly drove me mad.” patch paused, inhaling softly, as though breathing me in. “and now that i have you, the only thing that terrifies me is having to go back to that place. having to want you all over again, with no hope of my desire ever being fulfilled. you’re mine, angel. every last piece of you. i won’t let anything change that.

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