An open letter from the shark who’ll fight Mike Tyson during Shark Week

Sharks in all places are quaking of their gills as Mike Tyson prepares to struggle.

Courtesy Discovery

I am back again, puny people, and this time, it is private. You landlubbers have been mocking my majestic variety for too lengthy, and it is time so that you can get schooled. For one factor, I used to be not stepping on a Lego brick in this photo, so simply leggo of that concept. And who is that this Invoice Gates who says mosquitos scare him more than sharks? It is gonna take just a little greater than Deep Woods Off to chase me away, brainiac. To prime all of it off, you will have this cringeworthy Child Shark music you are even turning into a TV show.  Watch your again, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo/ Shark assault, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. 

Sorry, I generally chew a bit heavy on the sharkasm. You’ll, too, if there was a complete Shark Week dedicated to your species (hooray!) and a few TV channel determined to rejoice it by making a present the place you struggle a human boxer. (I am unable to even with this concept). Yep, the Discovery Channel introduced this week that some man named Mike Tyson and I are going to duke it out in a present referred to as Tyson vs. Jaws: Rumble on the Reef on Sunday, Aug. 9 at 9 p.m. ET/PT. 

After all I volunteered as tribute for my species, identical to I did back in 2017 when the show involved me racing some guy named Michael Phelps. Have not seen HIM round a lot recently, have you ever? Yeah, yeah, OK, I did not actually eat him, however I did win that race by a whopping two seconds. Have a look at me. I am the gold medalist now.

This is what the Discovery Channel has to say in regards to the present: “Legendary boxer and entrepreneur Mike Tyson is taking up a brand new problem … and he picked essentially the most unlikely coaching associate. Iron Mike will go face to face with one of many ocean’s prime apex predators in Tyson vs Jaws: Rumble on the Reef. With famed ring announcer Michael Buffer calling the photographs, these two heavyweights will sq. off underwater, the place Mike Tyson will attempt to rating a TKO over the huge shark … all within the title of analysis.  And don’t be concerned, no sharks have been harmed (or bitten) within the making of this episode.”

“Legendary.” That phrase, I don’t suppose it means what you suppose it means. Have you ever seen the photograph of my opponent? Happy to eat you, sir. Are you terrified? I am terrified. The smiling inflatable sunglasses-wearing pineapple rubber duck factor actually seals it.

“I took on this challenger to beat fears I nonetheless cope with in life,” Tyson stated in a press release. “I equate this with overcoming my concern of getting again into the ring at 54 years outdated. I discovered from this expertise doing Shark Week that no matter intimidates me, I’m nonetheless in a position to step as much as the problem of overcoming something that might stop me from conducting my life’s mission of reaching my highest potential in life and bringing me nearer to God.”

I imply, if that helps you, it is good, Mister heavyweight chomp-ian. However do you know shark ears aren’t large floppy appendages that you could gnaw on, however teeny tiny holes in our huge scary heads? We additionally do not discover face tattoos horrifying. And we do not want inflatable pineapple geese or cute little snorkels to be at residence underwater. Oh, look, you possibly can smash a surfboard. How cute. I decide my tooth with surfers day by day and twice on Sunday.


Mike Tyson can break a surfboard. The shark is just not impressed.

Courtesy Discovery

It is fascinating the Discovery Channel is being obscure about precisely what is going on to occur. It isn’t like we’re going 12 rounds of jabs and uppercuts in satin trunks and padded gloves, with Aquaman as my coach. They’re cautious to say “no sharks have been harmed,” whereas by no means mentioning if any hurt got here to the bipedal, gill-less human. I imply, if the query comes up of who’s actually going to make a splash on this bout, Iron Mike’s gonna want an even bigger boat.

#open #letter #shark #wholl #struggle #Mike #Tyson #Shark #Week


Gael Fashingbauer Cooper

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